Baby loss is very common, but it’s not commonly talked about. For example, there are an estimated 250,000 miscarriages each year. To provide some context, that means for every three new cases of cancer there are two miscarriages. 

You probably hear a lot more about cancer, and the impact it has on people, than you hear about baby loss. That’s because talking about baby loss is still surrounded by discomfort, and often silence, just like cancer was 50 years ago.

Like cancer, baby loss has major impacts on individuals, families and the economy.

The short-term economic costs of miscarriage to the UK are estimated to be £471 million annually. Researchers estimate that these costs rise to over £1 billion per year when also including the long-term health impacts.

This is similar to prostate cancer, which costs the UK economy about £800 million annually.

Miscarriage is when a woman loses a baby before 24 weeks of pregnancy. Miscarriage itself can be categorised as ‘early’ or ‘late’. An early miscarriage is one that happened before 12 weeks of pregnancy. Therefore, a late miscarriage is when the miscarriage happened in a pregnancy that was over 12 weeks’ gestation but before 24 weeks’ gestation. From 24 weeks onwards, baby loss during pregnancy or labour is referred to as stillbirth.

At Plan of Action, we refer to all these types of loss as baby loss. We appreciate you might prefer a different term when describing your own experience.

You may have also encountered a lot of other medical language, such as ‘incomplete miscarriage’ or ‘expectant management’. We haven’t attempted to provide an extensive list of medical terms here, because we aren’t medical professionals. You will be able to access definitions for terms, and find further information, on the websites of the NHS or other charities like the Miscarriage Association and Tommy’s.

Baby loss in pregnancy can happen for a number of reasons. The most common reason is miscarriage, which is when a woman loses a baby before 24 weeks of pregnancy.

There is still a lot about baby loss that isn’t known. However, there are some known reasons why it happens and there are also some known risk factors that may make it more likely.

For example, more than half of miscarriages before 12 weeks of pregnancy are caused by problems during the early stages of the baby’s development. Unfortunately, the baby can’t survive when it doesn’t develop normally from the start. This is nobody’s fault, but it doesn’t necessarily mean the experience is any easier to go through.

Other known causes have been identified as the result of research focussed on pregnancy and the pregnant woman. Causes include blood-clotting problems and hormonal or anatomical issues. Further information can be found on the NHS website.

Risk factors are things that have been linked to baby loss, but that don’t necessarily cause baby loss. Examples include alcohol consumption and parental age. However, an increased risk of miscarriage is not linked to things like having sex while pregnant or air travel.

Knowledge about specific risk factors linked to men is still lacking. However, having a generally healthy lifestyle is known to improve male fertility. Avoiding alcohol, exercising regularly and maintaining a healthy weight can all be beneficial. For most people, taking action to make improvements in these areas are within their control. Working on these foundations can also be helpful when experiencing grief.

We appreciate this might feel like an unsatisfactory answer, but there is no right or wrong way to feel after experiencing baby loss. If you’ve experienced other bereavements, then you might be aware of having different experiences after different kinds of loss.

It’s important to know that research has shown men’s experience of baby loss is particularly affected by deeply entrenched social norms and gender stereotypes. These are essentially expectations around how men should think and act. This can mean that making sense of your experience is more complicated. You might feel intense sadness, or you might be wondering why you don’t feel anything at all.

However you’re feeling now, there are further resources that can help you take action to address your needs and navigate your loss.

Yes. Baby loss at any stage of pregnancy is a loss for both parents and grief is a normal reaction – just as it is after other kinds of bereavement.

Studies have consistently demonstrated that many men experience grief after baby loss. Though, you might find yourself questioning the validity of your own feelings or compare yourself to people experiencing different types of loss.

It’s a natural reaction to have these feelings, given the additional complexity that goes with grief after baby loss. It’s important to know that how you feel and grieve will be shaped by how you felt about the pregnancy, felt about having a baby, and felt about becoming a dad.

Grief hits people in different ways. It can come with a mix of emotions, and no two people will go through it the same.

You might feel angry at the situation, questioning why your loss happened, or become angry at yourself for feeling sad. One day you might feel like isolating yourself and another day you might feel like being surrounded by people. You might decide to grieve in private, which some men will prefer, or you might want to talk to someone about your loss, which some men will also prefer.

If you’re unsure what could help you grieve, or help manage how you feel, then you can check here for some ideas.

Many men experience delayed grief, which might mean you might currently feel disconnected from your emotions.

You might feel like your primary duty is to look after your partner. You might have to go to work or be the one taking care of things at home. It’s common for men to feel like they need to be “strong”, particularly if your partner is in pain and upset. It’s a natural and admirable instinct.

However, one effect is that your own reaction gets pushed into the background and only surfaces later. That’s called delayed grief

It’s important to know that you are allowed to grieve, and you’re allowed to grieve in a way that feels right for you.

Although not exactly a roadmap, you might have heard of the five stages of grief.

These ‘stages’ encompass different reactions. You might feel shocked and numb, angry, helpless, sad, or experience feelings of guilt. Your feelings might change day-to-day, and they will likely evolve over time.

While there is no set timeline or process to follow, there are actions you can take that you might find helpful in managing and processing your grief.

Baby loss, and particularly early miscarriage, can often be invisible to the outside world and lack the rituals that go with other losses. Feeling like you’re not “allowed” to grieve can also make it more difficult to communicate your loss. Additionally, many men feel uncertain about their identity after this type of loss.

This is known as ‘disenfranchised grief’. This isn’t unique to men’s experiences of baby loss before 24 weeks of pregnancy. In fact, your partner might also experience similar feelings. However, other issues like social stereotypes about masculinity (for example, dealing with hardship alone) can impact men in particular ways.

All of this might result in you feeling like it’s difficult to explain your loss to others. We are developing some resources for talking about your loss, be sure to regularly check the Take Action part of our site for updates. Or sign up to our newsletter to get notifications straight to your inbox.

After baby loss, you might find that most people you know only ask about how your partner is doing. Many men experience this, and it can result in feeling like you’re left out or overlooked. This is another contributing factor towards ‘disenfranchised grief’, which we touched upon above.

It is normal to want people to ask how you’re doing because your experience matters as well. But, more often, you might find that people say well-meaning but unhelpful things like “you can always try again” or “at least it was at an early stage”.

When people get this wrong, it can be because of stereotypes or unconscious biases that affect how their behaviour. Part of our work at Plan of Action is about trying to change stereotypes and guide people towards better conversations after loss.

It’s likely that you and your partner will have different reactions, including experiences of grief, after baby loss. When this happens, it can cause your relationship to feel strained. You might feel like you’re carrying a different practical load to your partner. You might feel like there is less help available for you.

Baby loss can be an intensely stressful and difficult experience. Some couples find that it drives them apart and this can lead to relationship break down. Other couples find that the experience strengthens their bond.

If you find yourself worried about your relationship, you might want to find help from other charities such as Relate. We’re continually developing new resources, so keep an eye on our site for updates.

There are several studies that provide insights into how men cope with grief after baby loss, with coping mechanisms categorised as either intuitive (emotion-focussed) or instrumental (activity and problem-solving focused). In one study, men were reported as recognising a need to balance activity-focussed coping, or distraction, with emotional expression and activity to help with processing grief.

Some men will talk to a mate they can rely on or attend a peer-support group. Some men will talk to a therapist or charity helpline. Some men will prefer to process their grief alone. Ultimately, how you choose to process your grief, and cope with your loss, will be a very personal decision. But taking proactive steps to develop your own way of coping, whatever that looks like for you, can be beneficial in the long run.

For further resources that can help with visit our Take Action pages.